It’s chemical, it’s a lack of serotonin, there’s a lot going on. “Well, that’s depression, and depression is not logic. When Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell and others end their lives, people think, ‘Why? They had everything.’ “Honestly, I don’t have a great deal of self-esteem, but I do know, logically, that I’m in a big band, and that means something to people. “Therapy is very helpful, of course, but it’s not available to everyone – many people cannot afford it because it is so expensive, and so when you talk with someone else who has those same feelings, you don’t feel so alone all the time. But these horrible, invasive thoughts come with major clinical depression. “I’m still in Fall Out Boy, very much so, but I have also been doing stuff in television and comic books, and I’m working on a book, so there is a lot of cool stuff going on in my life. I have a wonderful family, my wife and two young daughters, my bands, and my career. “When you live alone with this stuff, which is very easy to do as a depressive, you can’t find solace. A podcast seemed the right place to do it. There is a general depressive malaise, and I thought it was time to try to get it out in some way, shape, or form. “The timing: Covid, lockdowns, coming out of the pandemic, the political landscape, the murder of George Floyd, anti-Semitism, which I have experienced as a Jewish person – this is the time we are all living in. You learn a lot, can teach a lot, it’s cathartic, and it can be mutually beneficial. For a moment it felt disingenuous to do a podcast, because everybody has one, but I enjoy it. “I’ve always been open, and so I’ve never had a problem talking about my depression and struggles. What made this the right time for a podcast? It's hard not to just vomit your feelings when you have a lot of feelings, and you like to talk about them and make other people feel them.” “Now, no matter how depressed I am, it’s much easier for me to step back, not put it on the guys, and just let it be my problem. When Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, and others end their lives, people think, ‘Why? They had everything.’ Well, that’s depression, and depression is not logic I had some foundation, it helped me, it kept me from killing myself, so it was good, but it takes a long time to develop the tools and awareness, and that comes with age and experience. “But that’s a hard thing to ask of a teenager, even with all the therapy I had. “Yes, but I was 19 and in my own head and ‘Why isn’t anyone seeing and addressing how I feel?’ rather than looking outside of myself and seeing that I was making everyone else feel terrible and that I needed to clean up my act. You were 10 years into therapy at that point and still struggling. I regret that it happened, but I think it came from being young and not knowing how to manage my feelings.” During the pandemic, we held a meeting and I apologized for those times. “Instead of knowing how to express that – because what 19-year-old does? – I was grumpy and depressed, and it sucked for everybody. I was going from teenager to young adult, dealing with the music industry and a major label, roles in the band were shifting, and I was trying to find some kind of creative identity. “I’m writing a book, and I’ve been reflecting a lot about how early on in Fall Out Boy, I was a black cloud. Sometimes I can get through it in a day, and sometimes it takes months. “With 30 years of therapy, I have tools to figure out how to work through those scenarios and let the logical side of my brain take over the irrational side. I feel good right now because I have a hit on it, but when it spirals out of control – if I forget to take my medication, or just feel exposed or vulnerable – I lose my confidence and there’s no way I can pick up a guitar. Anything I have learned about my craft goes out the window, and I’m stuck in a feedback loop of self-hatred. Sometimes it can drive creativity, but at other times it’s incredibly tough. Music aficionados out there will know that rock music has always had a special way of expressing dark and heavy emotions.įrom Metallica to Linkin Park, the Rock genre has produced some of the best songs about self-hate.Has depression ever stifled your creativity or your love of playing guitar? If you don’t like the sad, sappy, and depressing sound of Emo songs, then Rock music might be just the thing for you.
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